听不到
im blogging to show rachel liau im not dead.hur.
no la
i just feel un-talked to.
im quite amazed at drama king actually, he goes thru the same exam difficulty as i do.
throw me ten essays,
but no exams can.
o wells.
cannot.
the thing is im tired,
i cant think on the spot.
im not the kind of person who can formulate arguments there n then n link it into a coherent article.
give me three days to think about it, ten books (or more) and i will give u the best essay ever, or at least the best i can do,
but like what he says, i cant just use it as an excuse to forgo my exams just because its not my forte.
but it makes me really tired, to realise i cant have sparks of geniuses without restrain.
sumhow, its hard living up to my "o-my-tian-how-did-i-eva-get-tht-sort-of-cap" grades last sem.
cause people think im smart, hardworking and brilliant.
well im not,
i try to be when im not sleeping or thinking bout sewing and designs.
yes impractical, I KNOW, just thinking oooooook.
sumhow, there are expectations, the sort which surrounds me and people telling me, haiya essay dou A liao exams only ma.
but exams are darn it 60%.
and i learnt tht lesson hard last sem.
though OK FINE I STILL DID REASONABLY WELL.
OKOKOK I DID WELL. GET OVER IT ALR.
i want to talk to someone.
who tells me its ok.
its ok to slip.
its ok to not get my honours.
its not COMPULSORY.
to make me feel like i havent failed someone.
whoeva that is.
i want to know i will still be me, i will still be in this, so what.
ok fine, i need someone to comfort me so even if i slip i wont feel like its outrageous, and totally deviant.
will it be more human if i get worse grades then improve?
but because of some stroke of luck i scored well last sem
and cause of my FREAK OUT BEFORE EXAMS SERIOUSLY nature i look like the hardworking-iest person eva.
and i cant freak out because i did well last sem?
what sort of reasoning is that?
im paranoid.
but i dont deserve to be?
this is not good for my heart i say.
i totally felt like breaking down after deviance.
its kinda like, u poured your soul and u found light in it,
but someone tells u nope, not needed, sorry, we need people who can crap stuff during the exam and twist it.
and then there was this sense of neutrality,
in telling myself, this is not my whole life and identity.
or isit?
cause i know the boyfriend will talk to me bout structural realities and all.
and yes i totally understand it, sure do. and im well trying. but its tiring.
i deserve to be happy right?
i guess.
o wells.
it will pass.
like everything else.
(i think it feels better not striving towards an honours, i guess u dun think so)
(so i will strive for it, dont worry :) )
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell
This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
